Tagged: sarcasm

“the VISOR” – x factor or mid-life crisis accessory?

*suggested tunes while reading this blog:  “superfly” curtis mayfield, “keep ya head up” tupac, “leave your hat on” etta james, “the boss” rick ross, “dancin machine” jackson 5. “i ain’t mad at cha” tupac, “big pimpin” jay z (predictable but it works)…there’s more and i would provide a spotify playlist for your listening enjoyment but spotify isn’t down with the wordpress yet.  might i also sugggest having a beer or stiff one.

nothing says the dawn of football more than the beloved coach’s visor…college, pro, high school the visor is football tradition (at least in the last 25 years).

i’ve always been  fascinated by the coaches who choose this look and surprised that it’s usually guys who have really  good hair, well good hair for coaches i should say.  i prefer the full cap myself, not sure why but it’s my preference.  i’m certain no one has given this any thought nor should you… and why i am sharing this i have no idea.

there is something i just don’t trust about coaches who wear the visor, can’t put my finger on it but i feel like they should be going through a mid-life crisis, cheating on their wife, being a prick, acting like the frat boy that the visor makes them look like.   there’s only one coach who i feel can pull off the visor and he’s not even coaching anymore.  i’m ready for the ridicule that could and probably should ensue after i name him…none other then the chuckster:  jon gruden.  and yah i find him attractive… i read his autobiography in a day that’s how much i love him (on 2nd thought that really isn’t saying much).  no mid-life crisis here, just chucky.  i mean look at the beautiful coif complemented by the perfectly shaped visor.  it’s awesome.  if i’ve lost half my audience it’s too bad b/c now my blog actually gets good.

so i wanted to explore this visor thing a little bit deeper… who is the guy behind the visor?  what kind of coach is he?  why is it that men with very, thick, full manes sport the visor look?  why do i care?  f-k i don’t know but i’m a little obsessed and the only thing i could think to do about it is  blog about it…140 characters wasn’t gonna cut it.

so obviously we can surmise that coaches’ who wear visors are typically “winners” (based on those that come to mind:  spurrier, kiffin-blech, kelly, stoops) which begs the question, why aren’t more coaches wearing visors? but one should ask are they national champion caliber winners before they decide to jump on the visor-wearing bandwagon.  i also wondered if this headwear accessory indicated some sort of mid-life crisis- i don’t know it just seems like dudes who wear them with the exception of chip kelly seem to look like the type that would be having one… but honestly i don’t have the time or energy to actually analyze this so let’s just do a *marcella-analysis and look at the top 10 coaches from 2011 and observe what’s going on…

*marcella-analysis is not a formal analysis and is usually just my observation, opinion or some sort of a shortcut to come up with any form of  “results.”  in other words it’s a bunch of bullshit and means nothing.

#1)  university of alabama:  nick saban = no visor and no cap… dually noted… but probably could have used one to hide this rather unflattering look.  he still seems like a prick.

so i actually googled “nick saban is a dick” (italicized and bolded for emphasis and because i’m cool like that) to see if it was just me or is he known to be this way because honestly i don’t know… i’ve heard he was but dang i didn’t know how bad it actually was. can we really blame him though? a man with such a good head of beautifully ruffled up hair, albeit thinning in the front (soon to be receding) is bound to be a little bit of an arrogant prick?   having that kind of hair sorta puts you on the top of the male hierarchy.

i have to say googling “nick saban is a dick” brought some joy into my life – it was worth it just for this photo which someone saved as “saban is a dick.”  (and i love the caption that reads beneath the photo, “coach dons large man part, claims he mistook for elephant hat” photoshopped or not hilar!)  note to self to use the term “man part” more often.

SIDENOTE:  my favorite thing in the world is when i hear fans of a program that know their coach is a f-ing prick and say “he’s OUR f-ing prick.” REALLY?  wow, that’s awesome. way to own the “assholeness” of your coach.  LANE KIFFIN:  “he’s a f-ing douche-rag, but he’s OUR douche-rag.”   i mean i guess you have to embrace your coach but secretly you know they hate them.  i get it, anything for a winning program.  shit, i’d take a dick coach and embrace him too, i just wouldn’t go public about it.

thought i would also share the urban dictionary definition of nick saban which also came up in the “nick saban is a dick” search:

“Overrated football coach. Paid $4 million per year by Univ. of Alabama (a backwoods third rate intellectual backwater/vocational school whose rabid fans pathetically live their tragic lives vicariously though an inept has been football team)…Lies out his ass, wouldn’t know integrity or honesty if it slapped him in his head. Has a mean bouffant which he adores and spends inordinate amounts of time tending. Is from some holler in West Virginia originally.”  i have to admit i got a good chuckle on the bouffant comment…and use of the word “holler” versus you know holllaaaa.

with all this good shit on saban my next google search will have to be “lane kiffin is a dick “or “lane kiffin is a douchebag.”  i can hardly wait!  i love the internet.

okay so i was NOT intending for this to be the ‘nick saban show” but i would be remiss if i didn’t show just one more photo of the “nick saban is a dick” google search.

roll tide.

#2)  lsu:  les miles – full cap with LARGE AND IN CHARGE  headset.  that headset screams i’m a motherf-ing winner.  i wouldn’t f-k with any coach who has a headset that large…i wonder if the visor is problematic with a headset that large? wait a sec are all headsets that large and i just never noticed or does les have an unusally small head which makes objects look larger than they appear?

memo to less: please teach saban how to wear his headset like a BOSS.

#3) oklahoma state:  mike gundy  AHHH YAH!!!  the VISOR makes its first appearance! giddyup cowboys!  but i am so distracted by the fact that his skin matches his team colors i barely notice the visor… and i’m reminded of umpa lumpas which scare the sh** out of me.  next.


#4) university of oregon: chip kelly ummm okay… how do i say this politically correct?  you can’t hide the elephant in the room… or in this case the elephantitisy look chip has going.  god i’m sorry, i’m going to hell. i’m from eugene, grew up in the rich brooks era, i get a free pass when it comes to talking about oregon football.  period.  the end.  (please duck fan don’t get bent out of shape over this, we’ve all taken unflattering photos.)

#5) university of arkansas:  bobby petrino well there goes my mid-life crisis visor theory… enter arkansas coach bobby petrino who typically wears a cap.  sorry had to have the photo with side by side 25-year old mistress.  jesus coach… WTF?! you just had to take your 25 year-old mistress (former volleyball player-turned-football recruiting organizer — nice title–) for a spin on your hog?! was that ego ride worth losing $21 million in potential earnings, let alone the family of four you dismantled and humiliated…and my god karma gave you a gigantic ass kicking – that photo will never escape you – that’s your legacy. neck brace wearing- adulterer who’s face looks a high school teen trying to fight acne with a high dosage of accutane…i cannot get into this- bob’s mid-life crisis could be it’s own blog post.   it’s all sorts of wrong.   he should be wearing a visor it would make much more sense.

#6)  boise state:  chris peterson please don’t get me started on how this guy was responsible for dan hawkins’s success, he should have been chosen as cu’s coach instead of that god awful mess dan hawkins-  responsible for one of the worst demises of a college football program… sorry i’m still bitter, it’s easy to get distracted when anything related to cu football and douche hawkins is brought up…back to chris who i don’t know…he looks a little suspect and i actually like the boise state football program, but there is something i just don’t trust about coach perterson.  actually, he kinda looks a little bit like mitt romney?!  scary!  full cap.  visor theory is not holding up here folks!  ps dude has a nice grill minus the “smoker’s teeth” yellow stain.

#7) stanford:  jim harbaugh  tharrr she blows, sorry that just came to my head had to write it down… so next up who i totally thought would be a visor-wearing addict, coach jim harbaugh of stanford is not. GASP. honestly if anyone should be wearing a visor it’s harbaugh… is it just me or does he look like lane kiffin’s twin or vice versa? maybe jh (cuz i don’t want to spell his last name) doesn’t wear a visor so that no one confuses him with lane kiffin. i just learned that jh’s favorite band is hootie and the blowfish.  that explains everything.


#8) university of south carolina:  steve spurrier quintessential visor wearing coach.  something is wrong in the world if this man doesn’t have his visor on.  but what in good christ’s name is that?  the hybrid visor… hybrid of what i don’t know but it sounded good. seriously though, what is that?  is this what happens when you coach for a school who’s mascot is a gameCOCK?  suddenly your swagg disappears?

jesus does he knows this ages him???  he looks like he’s 85!  oh shit he might be.  with this look he needs to be coaching golf not football and wtf with the magenta pink pants steve and you missed a belt loop, come on?

Photo Credit: Josh Kendal

so after further research apparently this contraption on his head is called the “bucket visor” who knew?!  i actually think  this might be the mid-life crisis visor 2.0.

i want old school spurrier back please.  it makes me feel better knowing he’s wearing his visor, all is well in the world.  too bad the headset doesn’t mask the double chins.

so after my saban google search i decided to see if spurrier was on twitter.  i have no idea why i just prefaced the spurrier comment with saban’s that made zero sense.  anyway  i was so confused when i went to spurrier’s page, because it’s actually his d-bag’s son’s page who is also a gameCOCK coach.  way to ride on the visor-tails of pops stever spurrier jr.  i mean what a fraud this guy is using @coachspurrier as his twitter name or handler whatever the f-k it’s called. AND guess who’s sporting a VISOR!? that’s right JUNIOR.   seriously though steve spurrier jr., create your own identity son, it’s bad enough you were probably hired because of your dad, don’t steal his signature look too (nice touch with the oakley shades though).  are you saving the bucket visor for game day?

#9) university of michigan:  brady hoke is that seriously michigan’s head coach?  it looks like he’s the new uncle sam in the “we want YOU to enlist in the army” ads…where the f-k have i been? clearly, i don’t keep track of every coach and what they look like but i’m not sure how i missed this dude!?  he’s just so LARGE!  on second thought shouldn’t he be at the RNC?  are we sure that’s not govenor christie?

sidenote:  wouldn’t it be RAD if coaches pimped “dre beats” headsets – i know they are headphones but you catch my drift. product placement genius.  imagine spurrier rockin these with his pink, magenta pants with his bucket visor.

f-ing P-I-M-P.

#10) michigan state university:  mark dantonio no cap.  no visor.  all scowl. not a good look.  not much more i can say.

this whole visor theory thing is now totally underwhelming… i thought i would see some monumental pattern of wins or something.

so in sum what we’ve learned about the top 10 2011 football coaches:

4 wear caps

3 go hat/visor-less

3 wear visors

the visor makes its entrance on the #3 tanning bed gone bad coach followed by #4 chip kelly and doesn’t return again until #8 spurrier and that’s debatable if he continues to wear the geriatric bucket visor which doesn’t count.

no mid-life crisis for any visor wearers – at least none that i can tell, although one could argue that gundy’s tanning obsession might be the beginning stages.

this is a statistic yawn-fest…i’ve learned nothing and my hypothesis of mid-life crisis accessory doesn’t hold up which makes me upset because there are so many places to go with that.

after all this analysis perhaps one might want to consider bringing back the fedora.

after all who needs a headset when you can rock a fedora.

-marcellafootball y’all.